Friday, August 16, 2013

Long needed Spanking

Last month was another crossroads for us. I have always known i needed more structure and direction. While i am very good at figuring out how and ways to do things, i am all over the place. I still have bad habits and one of them is saying things i shouldn't and getting bratty. One Saturday we were working on a project and she asked me a question. I responded in a very short and disrespectful way that put her off. As the conversation continued i knew i had messed up. Pride being what it is, i didn't stop and apologize i kept trying to talk my way out of it. She promptly told me that i could do things myself! That really hurt me as i know i have abandonment issues so i took it as she was abandoning me. I got pissed and spent the rest of the day working on the project by myself and not looking or talking to her. It was uncomfortable to say the least. The day went on and was winding down, tensions seemed to calm and i figured it would be like most other times when it took a few days for things to get defused. We had company at the time and we weren't alone so it was just quiet. Upon realizing we needed something picked up she sent our company to get it for her. It had been hot that day and i had showered and was relaxing in the cool air. No more had our company left than she nicely asked me if i would take the trash out. I was thinking, OK so we are good and ill jump to it. As soon as she handed me the bag she looked in my eyes and said, "on your way back there is a big paint stick downstairs, bring it back up for me as i will need that"! My heart stumbled. I took the trash and went downstairs and disposed of it and get the paint stick. One of the big 5 gallon stirring sticks. As i marched back up the stairs i still had my pride in tact and was not exactly doing this from the bottom of my heart. Maybe she was just gonna scare me. But my macho pride still would not back down. I handed it to her in a resentful manner, but i knew i had no choice. It is a very funny thing, i can be angry and pissed or whatever but i know i have to mind her in the end. So the next words were" go to the bedroom"! SO much for just scaring me. Off i went with her following me. She put a pillow on the bed under my chastity device and looked me in the eyes again and gave a motion with them and her head to drop my shorts. In my mind i was still thinking, bullshit I'm right! but my heart and body dropped my shorts and bent over where she pointed. That was a very anxious moment. One i knew one day would come and to be honest was long over due. there had been times when i asked myself why she had not spanked me for things i had done.
Anyway, i stay there bent over waiting for what i was totally unsure of. Was she so pissed she was gonna just blister my ass? I had no way of knowing as this was our maiden voyage with punishment like this. As she prepared she asked me if i knew why we were there. Still with attitude i answer yes and down came the first smack. It was not as bad as i had figured it would be. As she continued to position the licks to follow she continued to ask me if i was wrong and why it wasn't good for us and if i thought i was gonna be able to have a good evening. All these i managed to answer affirmative to. I had lost count of the swats and was more thinking that if my answers weren't good i could be there awhile. She already had my ass nice and red and i realized as she was finishing that she had broke my spirit on that matter. It wasn't hard enough or long enough to make me cry, but as it ended i was getting there and part of me wished i had. It felt so cleansing for her to love me enough to strip down my shell of crap and bend me over and paddle my bottom, make her point, and then tell me she loved me. Even patting and giving my red ass a soft kiss. I knew then as i raised up hugged her and looked in her eyes that i was suppose to be there and all was right with us! That felt great! No days of crap and bad feelings, instant return to things being right, just a red bottom. While i know it was our first time, i know it wont be the last and now she has felt how it is and gauged where she can go and will. It left me thinking how i respond needs to be thought out better. It would be nice to think i would be perfect and never need that. The reality is that I'm not and i will and i feel so safe in being hers because she will not allow distance between us in the form of anger or pride or just plain boy crap!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Engagement and the new Bride

Something i have waited my whole life for finally happened! It was a few months ago after us re establishing my submissive role. My Dominant partner asked me to marry her! It was so exciting as i have waited my whole life for this to happen. I never thought it would happen by her asking me. Though i had dreamed of it. For me it validated my position with her. Not as a dominant male but as her submissive boy. The position i love! I was really shocked almost to the point i couldn't answer and when i did I'm sure i got it wrong but yes is the answer. We had moved forward with our lives and working toward establishing us in terms of me belonging to her and daily stuff until last weekend. Last weekend she told me she had made a decision about our marriage. I was all ears! i have a tattoo which i got years ago on my abdomen right above where her parts of me are kept. It was from my rough and rowdy days and was definitely demeaning to women. i remember getting it and telling the female tattoo artist that it was directions for blonds. it is big bold and black and says RIDE with red tint in the letters. Sunday she brought a marker to the bed and proceeded to put a big bold B in front of the word RIDE. My heart skipped a beat! Another part of my old manhood was dying a fast death! She had decided i was to be her bride and permanently marked that way. Bold B with pink tint inside. All of a sudden the picture of her taking me to an artist locked in my chastity device to get branded the bride for life flashed in front of me! WOW! The first thought that came into my head was, she really loves me as her boy! Then i thought of my persona that i had developed over my whole life. The big mean biker will from now on be her bride in panties at her feet naked. That is such a great feeling and i felt so honored that she has chosen to allow me to take this position! She put it to me in the form of a question kinda. but the reality is i never needed asking and loved the fact that she would own me in this way. I have always tried to keep my manly biker persona going strong. Now my life is having my body shaved, being locked up and wearing panties and loving it! I never want to go back and will be her bride forever!

DeTOUR to the Same Destination

Well it has been over a year since i posted on this blog. Time flies! The reason i stopped was for reasons that moved me to take a break from chastity. The feelings i felt did not go away, i just had internal feelings pulling me in different directions. I felt i was putting too much expectation on my partner to do something that i felt she was not ready for. So one weekend the cb6000 was taken off and i just never put it back on. In my heart i had hoped she would tell me to put it back on. It sat in sight for a long time. I came home every day and hoped for a note that said put it on! Or just for it to be laying in a position that said put it on. But it never happened and the longer it went the more bratty i felt about it.So i decided in my mind that i needed to leave all this alone and go the way of not being kept this way. Over the time we stopped practicing chastity i learned alot about myself. I never returned to alcohol use but did return to masturbation. The loss of my accountability and the bratty way i felt about it all made me feel justified in my selfish behavior. I tried very hard to leave that behind and live a life of so called normal interaction. Only to find that the deep internal feelings i truly had for her were not being met so they end up manifesting themselves in some other way that i had to feel ashamed of. I could not hold out! On a vacation we were on i finally broke down and told her i needed my life back. It was very hard and discussing this is very hard for both parties. It requires a very humble approach and basically spilling your guts. We had practiced FLR in our lives but still felt uncomfortable about talking about aspects of it. In my heart i needed to be locked up and at her direction. I have come to realize that for me simply submitting does not meet the need i have inside. Inside i need to feel control, i need to feel subject to her. I have realized that i need her to demand i stay this way and for me to have no choice in the matter. I need for her to keep me for hers and control my life. When this happens i feel the safety and security i have missed my whole life. When i dont have this i wander back to the only thing i have known which is anger and sexual misconduct. I do not see my life as doing this for play. I know i need to feel that i have finally reached my promise land and will live the rest of my life locked up being let out at her choosing. Not counting days till i get to ejaculate but being happy in the exquisite sexual relation she provides me without it. Knowing my place is to be constantly ready to get hard rather its when she unlocks me or after we have sex for an hour. She has finally told me that it is all about me being hard for her! I feel so good when i can have intercourse with her and not ejaculate. i feel like i belong to her and that i can satisfy her needs. While mine are always met. So my hope is that she will take total control again and take ejaculation away forever and allow me to serve her as her property. In a side not that i will cover later she has chosen to mark me with a tattoo regarding my position with her and she finally decided that spanking me was a good idea and did! Both subjects require their own time so i will address them later. I guess the moral of my story for me is, you is what you is! And i is hers.